I thought I was going to write a newsletter on the concept of desert time. But maybe what I decided to write about this week is more aligned with desert time than I thought. In the desert, time operates differently than where I’ve been before - more accurately, in a sense.
How does that relate to this week? I’ve been thinking of where my time goes and how I show up. How I’ve changed over time, influenced by seeing old friends in an old city this week. My enneagram type. Making things worthwhile.
I went to San Francisco for work. It felt like a very sentimental week, full of reflecting on that twilight zone year of my life. Returning to San Francisco brings up a lot for me - transience or a lack of home (in many ways), forgetting I lived there at all (upon meeting new friends a few weeks ago, I said my last permenant address was in Austin - this is false. Alex had to remind me of the time I spent in the bay). In a way, wanting to move to San Francisco, and then moving there, represented a time in my life when I felt like I needed to “make it,” to prove something, to others and to myself. I had to get there on time. I tied value to my ability to get there.
This past week, I saw Chris and Kelley, whom now have a very adorable offspring, and James and Julia.
My conversation with Chris and Kelley returned again and again to how pissed Chris is (still) that we left. We also discussed the Catcher in the Rye and social media. How we spend our time. Regarding Instagram, we reflected on the balance between the superficial connection it fosters while romanticizing the ways it can provide a very accessible sense of closeness. Also on why we post things - for whom. On the contrary, some of the closest people in my life aren’t on social media at all.
Within that conversation, we narrowed in on my own purpose of keeping a public newsletter.
And because all things are best described via music from the late 1960s, after dinner with Chris and Kelley, I was taking a shower and thinking of this one:
I don’t even know how old I was when I learned about the Velvet Underground (maybe middle school, in my own Warhol era)?
But I thought of this song because of how I tried to summarize the purpose of my newsletter or social media. I’ll be your mirror, reflect what you are. Not a window. You might be acknowledging how I express my own existence, but are you also acknowledging yours?
The night before I flew back to the desert, I coerced James and Julia to join me at the Red Tavern, my favorite restaurant in San Francisco. During dinner, I had a few out of body moments where I saw the 3 of us sitting together, listening to the other table speaking Russian, and felt in awe of these two wonderful friends. They are objectively brilliant, caring and kind.
During dinner, we got onto the topic of enneagrams - which is fun, as we’ve known each other for almost 2 decades. I am naturally a subscriber to personality tests. Julia’s an 8, we pinned James as a 5 though he still needs to take it himself, and I am a 3.
“Of course I’m a 3,” I told them. 3s, non-actualized, are image driven, seeking approval, want to be seen as valuable to those around them, to be admired. “At many points in my life I sought out approval from everyone around me, but with age, I think I just want it from myself.”
“When 3s are at their best, they a role models!” Julia said to me. “They show what is possible.” And in that moment, Julia was my mirror too. We reflect back each others’ life moments big and small, what we find endearing in each other, remind ourselves of who we are.
I was taken back to a few weeks ago when I was laying on the floor of my yoga studio during a sound bath and went to visit my inner child in my mind. We were sitting on the floor of my childhood bedroom and I was showing her all of my tattoos. I told her the stories behind all of them, some full of meaning, others on a whim. I told her they’ll let you accept your body. I told her she doesn’t need to hide them either. I told her one day you’ll even go to the post office, in Joshua Tree, California, of all places, and pick up packages full of needles and ink.
I went home to look further into enneagrams and saw this quote on the website: Healthy Threes embody the best in a culture, and others are able to see their hopes and dreams mirrored in them.
All of this mirror talk has me reflecting on the myth of Narcissus.
Alas, Chris and Kelley reopened the formative, wintering year in San Francisco where I didn’t like what I saw looking back at me. Julia and James helped me reflect on versions of my past self and see where I’ve landed - same with the dear friends we got to see while in London over Thanksgiving. And it brings me back to the concept of this desert as a mirror that I’ve written about before, the opportunity to see an honest reflection of where I am right now, and the joy of that. To relish in the reflections that I don’t always take a second or minute to realize I might be inspiring in not only those around me, but continuously in myself.
I was driving to the airport, to fly home from San Francisco, and saw a beautiful hawk fly over the car with a stunning orange tail.
Love,
Lily
those sheffield leaves, needed this today. you are my (tallest) mirror!